The Wizard of FMK

What is Aaron Rodgers packing in Green Bay?

I believe that in life, every person must come to terms with their “absolutes”. Absolutes are simply facts that we choose to accept. These can range from quips or ideologies, and manifest themselves in songs, Myspace quotes, or certain rundown toilet stalls. The only qualifier is that they be true, and unconditional. Some of these might include such boring proclamations as, “always salt your pasta water,” or, “nothing good happens after 2 AM.” Well listen here Ed, just because something isn’t good, doesn’t mean it won’t be memorable as fuck. I digress.

I have personal absolutes, as every person should, that are not inherently applicable to the masses. Here is a snippet into some of my most treasured absolutes (you do not need to agree with any of these, but if you don’t then you are wrong and I hate you):

1. Never bet the under on a team you are rooting for.

2. Grape jelly is for peasants.

3. Bud light is single worst light beer on the planet.

4. I will watch any movie Dwayne Johnson is in.

5. I will shit a howler within 30 minutes of eating wings.

There is, however, an absolute we all must agree on, however, if we are to function within a society that believes in justice, order, and peace:

---

When playing “Fuck, Marry, Kill”, any subject in question can only spend time in two categories, never all 3.

---

Let me expand with a shitty example. The guys have gathered for a normal night of libations, sports talk, determining who could get closest to an Olympic medal (not a single one of you), etc. Eventually, the topic is broached, alright alright I got one: fuck, marry, kill: the Hemsworth brothers. Beyond the fact that the obvious answer is to fuck Chris, marry Liam, and kill Luke; there is opportunity for crossover here. I could easily live in a world where I would fuck Liam, before settling down with Chris. A true agent of chaos may see the benefit in killing Chris, to improve ones draft stock as well.

But on the flip side, You would never, in good conscience, agree to fuck, marry, and kill Chris, right? and let’s be honest, no one is fucking Luke with their 1st pick. Point is, subjects within the FMK game must stay in at most two lanes.

Until now. Enter Aaron Motherfucking Rodgers.

The hunk of Wisconsin cheese curd is breaking absolutes with more speed and ferocity than a 60 yard dime on a go route for your Mom’s favorite Davante. First, we must respect Aaron as a true master of FMK. To fuck Olivia Munn (10 year old me staying up late to watch re-runs on G4 of “Attack of the Show” is in shambles rn), kill Danica Patrick (I know she retired before they split, but seriously, someone check on her), then marry the winner of “Best Kiss” at the 2015 MTV Movie Awards, is honestly stuff of legend. The guy just gets it.

But what he has done most recently, makes even the most pure of absolutist take pause. He is going for the holy trinity (no, not that one; and definitely not the other one) of FMK. The Green Bay Packers started the relationship, courting the young prince of California all the way back in 2005 (the year of our lord and savior, Wedding Crashers, also premiered this year, what time). Since that point, Aaron was married to a historic franchise, poised to be the cool step-dad that took over once daddy finally called it quits. Or got his phone taken away, whatever.

“Until death do us part” I guess whoever wrote wedding nuptials was also a fan of the NFC North.

"I think sometimes people forget what really makes an organization," Rodgers was quoted, "History is important, legacy of so many people who've come before you, but the people. That's the most important thing. The people make the organization. The people make the business. Sometimes that gets forgotten. Culture is built brick by brick, the foundation of it by the people. Not by the organization, not by the building, not by the corporation. It's built by the people.”

What does Aaron say to the god of death? Onward to Ted Thompson, probably. Those idiots are toast, finished, killed. Losing a top 10 player in the NFL because said player doesn’t fuck with you anymore is tough for any organization to swallow; losing 2 of them? Show me that throat Packer’s fans.

But wait Ric, what about fucking? Aaron married Green Bay, then killed them, how did he fuck them?

This is the chef’s kiss of the entire saga: Mr. Rodgers isn’t done spreading his beef stick and curds across the NFL landscape. A QB with his talent may play out another contract. My prediction: He moves in the division next year to fuck the Packers. This man screams petty, and I am all the way here for it. He doesn’t talk to his own family, you think he would mind putting on some Chicago blue or Minnesota Purple, just to keep that team in Wisconsin at bay? Like anyone who has ever re-returned, Aaron should have no qualms with meeting up twice a year to fuck his ex when he comes home for the holidays.